All About Gerry

I cannot believe what an idiot I am. My Mom was trying to get me to watch the kids so her and my Dad could go to a friends house for some winetasting, and I was being a bitch about it, and my Dad ended up not going. I can’t believe what a fucking selfish bitch I am. My Dad was trying to sound find about it, but I shouldn’t have been such a bitch. It’s not like watching the kids is alot of work, I just have to make sure they’re being good and go to bed on time…why am I such a bitch. No wonder my parents and every fucking person I know hates me. I ruin everything. I’m like a plague of locusts, everything I touch dies. That is exactly what I am like, I suck and I hate myself. I wish that I could do something that I could be proud of, but I can’t. There is not one thing that I can do that makes me proud. Everything I do makes me cringe and hate myself even more, if possible. I hate everything about me. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I laugh, I hate the way I talk, the way I sit and the way that I have to always be either playing solitare or have my hands otherwise occupied. I hate how I talk wannabe britishlike, saying things such as ‘rubbish’ and ‘grand’. I hate the way that no man likes me and the way I drink too much too fast and pass out early due to my drunkenness. I hate the way I’m so negative and always saying mean things about people. I hate how I can’t seem to impress my teacher. I hate the way I always have to put stupid status updates on facebook that nobody even enjoys reading, and everyone probably snickers cruely at. I hate the way that I can’t even go in the fucking closet and get my diary because I’m a stupid idiot. I hate the way that I post on this blog because I’m such a fucking loser who can’t even talk to my close friends about how I really feel, because I’m stupid and they’ll just laugh at me and call me stupid too. I hate the way I love eating and hate working out. I hate the fact that I want to lose weight but lack the disipline to make it actually happen. I hate the fact that I really want to have a baby even though I am single and waaay too young to even consider having children. I hate that I’m cruel, and mean, and a snobby bitch whom everybody probably hates. I hate that I’m fat and ugly. I hate the way my belly is huge, and my ass is not nicely shaped. I hate that my boobs aren’t big enough and that they’re shaped weird and already sagging even though I’m still young. I hate that every time I post on this blog I feel myself start crying because I have such a sad life and I suck so bad. I hate everything about myself. I hate the way I love singing but can’t, the way that I love dancing but I’m too fat to ever look good doing it. I hate that I suck at all my subjects at school. I hate that I have unhealthy nails and weird hair. I hate the fact that I look hideous without makeup, and I hate that I have horribly unhealthy teeth. I hate so many things about myself, but most of all I hate that my parents are disappointed in me too. They feel that I’m a failure. I’m an adult, still in high school, unemployed, and still living with my parents. What a loser I am. I can’t even pay rent or be a constructive citizen of this country. I’m useless to my parents, too lazy to help with the kids. I’ll never be good at anything, and I’ll never be worth anything. I wish that I could someday do something that will make my parents proud to be my parents. I wish that I could wow them with something, and then perhaps I’ll fill useful and fulfilled. Maybe my life is meaningless, but I have yet to find the perfect thing that will give my life meaning. I need to lose weight and get a job and do well in school and hope that someday I’ll do something that will make my parents glad they didn’t have an abortion.

Wow. It should bother me, and it really doesn’t, but nobody reads this fucking blog. Haha. I guess no one wants to read about some fat chick talking shit about her life. I understand, the only reason I’d read this blog would to make myself feel better. I’m so fucking fat. I know I say this every fucking post, but I really feel so shitty. I’ve been so slacking on my workout. I can’t believe how fucking lazy I am. And I blame myself, I swear at myself, and I hate myself, but it doesn’t seem to be enough to make me do anything. I wish that someone would actually love me, whatever that means. What is love even? I just wish someone would look at me and want me, despite my fucking shit. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself, except my eyes, because they’re green. I can’t believe that I’m home alone on a Friday night ranting at a blog that nobody even fucking reads! What the fuck is wrong with me!

I just wish that I could totally change. I wish I could be the opposite of me. I know that people say we’re who we chose to be, but I guess I fucked up with that one and chose a fucked up girl. I don’t even really have many friends, and the ones I do have, I don’t think they actually like me. I think my friends only chill with me as a last resort, just because I guess I’m a step up, or half a step up, from being alone. I’m like a wingman. I’ll stay away when you’re busy, but if you’re pissed and alone, I’ll go to you, cuz I don’t really have anything else to do. I hate myself. I don’t know why I get that feeling when I’m with my friends or even my sister that they’re only chilling with me to pass time, or because I amuse them. Like a charity case. Thanks guys. I love being looked upon as a charity case, someone you chill with because you feel sorry for them. I don’t know what the hell I’m complaining about, if I was someone else I wouldn’t even chill with me even if I had to chose between being alone. I guess I don’t have my love for myself, so I assume everyone else hates me too, probably right though. Well, I feel like shit but I have nothing else to say. If I wasn’t so scared of death I might consider killing myself, but I have no idea what happens after death, and I’m scared that it will be something that I don’t want. Duh. What the fuck is my problem? Jesus Christ! Well, enjoy your life, I’ve given up trying to enjoy mine.

I feel so fucking shity right now! I hate being fat! I hate being ugly! I hate looking at guys I like and knowing that they’ll never like me on account of my ugly disposition! I have no incentive to workout, because I know that I’ll never change. I”ll never be perfect. No matter how much I try, how many times I don’t let myself eat something that I want, or skip a meal, or eat the tiniest fucking lunch possible while still eating a lunch, I’ll never be a thin, or as hot as the next girl.

I can sit here on my bed smiling, posting on facebook about how someday I”ll be perfect and THEN boys will like me, but I know it’s all bullshit. Because when I start crying and ask myself why, the answer comes to me: “You’ll never be pretty.” And the only fucking reason I post here is because I have no one else to talk to. I can’t talk to my friends, they’d tell me “You’re stupid! You’re hot!” But I know that maybe they’ve grown used to my hideousness, and so it ceases to amaze them. I can’t talk to my sisters or brothers, or my parents, because they’re all too sweet to tell me that I’m fat. At moments when I feel like breaking down and crying, but the tears won’t come, I like to post here, because maybe someday someone will read this blog, and say “I feel like that too”, and then maybe they’ll look at my fucked up self, and discover that maybe they’re not that bad.

I sat next to the cute boy in class today, again. He just makes me smile, and I want to look at him and listen to him forever. I know I sound obsessed, but I am. It’s super bad, I know, but I guess we all have our vices…I just have more than the perfect girl that he likes. I’m probably no more than “the fat girl I sit next to” to him, but to me, he’s so…pretty, beautiful, cute, gorgeous, lovely to look at, I can’t find an adverb to completely describe him. But sure, every girl gets those crushes…the kind that totally kill through the year, or semester, and then you forget all about them, but that time that it does kill, is very…sweet and sour all at once.

I went on facebook and found his user account, he doesn’t have many pictures, but I found myself looking through the ones that he did have…and I knew at once that it was unhealthy. I exited, because it’s stupid and foolish to entertain any fantasies when it’s known that nothing will ever happen. Even then, I guess we all hate to say goodbye, even when we’ve just met.

This post was supposed to be about how shity, fat, ugly, stupid, and over all incompetent that I feel, but it turned into my talking about a boy…I apologize. We can’t always shut ourself up when we feel like talking. At least I stopped crying. But, sometimes, I wish that I could cry until I felt empty, like I had no more tears to shed, because then I wouldn’t walk around during the day and dread something bad happening, for fear that I won’t be able to stop myself from breaking down and sobbing…lol…for real though. Some days, I’ll do bad on a test, and feel like crying, because I should be used to failure by now, look at me, I’m a total failure, but I still get shocked by it; maybe it’s because my stupid mind is too dumb to acknowledge and accept that I’m a loser and always will be. The only guys who like me are losers too, and I should have accepted that by now. I should stop…no, I need to stop looking at the hot, perfect guys, and look at the stupid, ugly losers, because those are the only ones I have any chance of ever having.

Perhaps you think that I’m shooting myself too down low, but I’m not. If you could see the guys who liked me and who like me, you’d know that only a real fucking loser could have NO hot guys liking her, only ugly guys who can’t get any better, well, it’s about fucking time I accepted…neither can I. That’s not harsh, no, realistic. I’m just saying it the way that it is, and if you can’t take it, be happy for what you’ve got and be happy that it’s not you that I’m being mean to. I don’t mean to be mean to myself, it’s just that maybe I’m too stupid to know it, so I have to shove my head into the shit, to finally fucking see it.

But, no matter how much I believe what I’m saying, I’m still a fucking bitch and I’ll never settle for something that I don’t totally fucking want. I may accept and acknowledge that I won’t ever get the perfect guy, but any guys that I don’t want that come buy, I’ll fucking shoot down. I don’t plan on being somebodys survival girl, and I don’t want a fucking survival guy…I want the man that I want, and I won’t fucking let some other man that I don’t want make me settle for him.

Well, enough fucking rambling…it’s time I went and made sure that my sobbing didn’t fuck up my makeup too much. Thanks for listening…and if you read this the whole way through, I admire you’re devotion to listening to my shit. I bet nobody reads this fucking blog, but if you do, thanks. I know that if I ever have to vent about something, then I can turn to you, and even if you skip half of what I say, then atleast I can have the knowledge that perhaps somebody doesn’t think I’m “stupid”…though, you probably do.

Recently, actually for awhile now, I’ve been feel fat alot more. Not when you look in a mirror and say, “I’m fat,” but the lying on the bed and suddenly you feel like your gut has grown 8 inches since you first lied down. It’s really very annoying because it’s happening more and more often. Now, I can’t sleep unless I have a pillow smushed  into my stomach, because if not I stay up late obsessing about how I feel disgusting. This doesn’t happen all the time, mind you, but more and more often I feel myself thinking about my belly and how wide it is. Does anybody else ever get that feeling? And even tho I know that I’m not a huge pig with a gigantic belly, I still feel that way. It’s almost as if I have some imagined fat and it’s bothering me. Kind of like when somebody loses a body part, and then they still feel like it’s there, well, that’ s kinda how this feels. It used to be only when I was lying down, but today I was working and I started becoming more and more conscious about it. GOddamn! If anybody has any ideas on how I could change my mindset to help me get my mind off my body, I’d really appreciate. And now, time to exercise!

I was sitting outside yesterday, having a smoke, and this sudden thought came to me: I hate myself when I eat. No matter what I eat, I’m suddenly flooded with feelings of remorse. It doesn’t matter what or when, and the only times I’m not hating myself, is when I eat to give me strength to workout. It may see really stupid, but it’s true. Every meal or snack I eat, no matter how non-fattening it may be, I get mad at myself for one again giving in to my body and allowing it to add more to it’s already large size. I’m thinking, maybe if I lose weight, I might eventually love my body, or at least, like my body. But then again, what if I lose weight and then looking the mirror and see the fat me? What then? Will I continue to hate myself whenever I eat, because I don’t want to go back to my previous weight? Will I starve myself because I see myself as still fat? I don’t want to do that, but I realize that I’d rather be hungry, then fat. It seems to me that now, I can’t stop eating. I’m always hungry and I want to eat everything, that’s why I”m starting a new DIET! Yay! Cutting everything I eat in half. If I want a sandwich, I’m going to have one piece of bread, or if I want cake, I’ll have half the size that I’d normally have. And hopefully, over time, It will do wonders. Of course, I’m still religious about my exercise…and that’d better pay off. But one thing, I hate hating myself. I look in the mirror, and I see a stupid, ugly, fat girl with no chance at a happy life, or beautiful body. But I’m trying to make myself understand that life is how you make it. And if I try hard enough, then someday, I’ll be able to look at myself and not cringe inside…I can’t wait for that day, so I’m going to do anything and everything to make it happen. Adios.

I’ve been doing alright. Haven’t had too many depression moments and life seems to be going fine. At least it’s not getting worse, eh. Haha. Well, I’m going to go now because I need to take care of my sisters. I’m glad that I have nothing terrible to post, because recently I haven’t been feeling very happy but now I’m feeling glad, so I guess that’s a good sign. Cya.

To begin, I’d like to tell anybody who might read this, that on this blog I’ll be posting very sad and depressing things. I’m a terrible writer, so I’ll probly annoy you with my spelling errors and any other things that I might accidentally do. My identity will always remain unknown, because I don’t want anybody to know how I feel inside. I’ve been made fun of enough, and laughed at enough, so this is for me to share how I feel, so I can let it out and maybe make myself feel a little less in pain. You may follow my blog if you become interested in what I’m say. Well, this is the first post to get this diary started. I may not post so often, only when I feel depressed or like I need to tell someone what’s eating inside me. I hope that I shan’t let my avid followers down. Until next time.